I’m sittin with my girl right now, she says if i get 50 chills she will give me head and if i get 100 chills she will make me a sandwich. be chill bros

Today I met a girl. She showed me the trunk of her car. It was filled with natty lights and sandwiches. We’re getting married next week, its pretty chill.

Just watched the Brazilian team play men’s volleyball at the olympics. Saw that there jerseys said: Bra 1, Bra 2. My bro and I fist bumped then bought the jerseys online and played lax instead in them. MLIB

I was looking at my little sister’s easy bake oven. I said, “Damn, gettin the bitches in the kitchen early, a bro must have invented that.” So I looked at the back, it was made by HasBro. One chill mothafucker.

I put my xbox achievements on my transcripts for college. i got accepted to Princeton. MLIB

Today my girlfriend asked me for a pet. I got that bitch a toaster. MLIB.

i spilled natty ice on my other computer today and it turned into optimus prime.

My slampiece is a vegan…whatever the fuck that means. So i gave her some brofu. Its like tofu but its my cock

i lost my job today as a lifeguard at a brocal swimming pool, apparently tapping the no bombing sign when a family of muslums walk past isn’t acceptable. MLIB.

This bitch asked me if I had whiteout in class the other day. I was like no hoe, I don’t make mistakes. MLIB.