What’s up with everyone saying they don’t let their bitches out of the kitchen. How else do you think my laundry gets done. MLIB

Today I watched my dog chase my girlfriends cat into the kitchen. Then I realized, even my dog knows where the pussy belongs. MLIB (My Lab is Bro)

What a woman says…

This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You’ll have no clothes to wear if we
don’t do laundry right now!

What a man hears…

blah blah blah blah blah C’MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW

Why do women go to college? How hard is it to make a sandwich?

Today, I was makin a bitch squirt. I yelled out MORTAL COMBAT… my roommate yalled FINISH HER! It was beyond chill

Turtles in finding nemo. Fucking chill.
Fin. Noggin. Dude.

Today I got my first BJ. I have yet to get my first kiss. MLIB

My slam piece said she wanted to make out under the miseltoe, so i hung some from my belt buckle. MLIB

Today i tried to submit a story on MLIB but it was too chill so my computer froze.

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? You give her a shovel. MLIB